8 Recommendations for Taking Care of Yourself and Your Relationship
We’ve all heard that we “can’t take care of others without taking care of ourselves first,” but we also know how hard it is to do so–particularly during stressful times. Add the crazy year that is 2020, and it's no wonder we’re struggling to connect with ourselves and our partners right now.
Manatee’s recent No B.S. Guide to Parenting webinar (watch it in full here) featured an expert relationship coach, Non-Violent Communication facilitator, and couples’ psychologist who discussed small ways to reset and recharge–individually and with your partner–before the going gets tough and when it already has.
Check out the recap of our “Self-Care for Parenting & Partnership” session and our eight helpful recommendations for reconnection.
Webinar Recap
Julie Nguyen, a trauma-informed relationship coach and writer, kicked us off with an Audre Lorde quote that has likely never felt more relevant than now:
“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not indulgent. It is an act of survival” - Audre Lorde
As part of this survival act, Julie recommends we:
#1: identify what recharges your batteries
Imagine yourself as a video game character or a Sim which has to charge up the batteries for your body before you can take care of your daily tasks (no, you can’t use cheat codes to avoid sleep 😉). Spend a few moments checking-in with yourself to assess:
How charged your batteries currently are
What is charging them?
What is depleting them?
This practice will help you pinpoint what you need and where your emotions may be stemming from–for instance, am I actually upset because my partner hasn’t done the dishes? Or am I running on empty and needing to recharge? Doing a brief body scan may be helpful for assessing your battery levels.
Tip: Sit, stand, or lie still for a few minutes to check-in with your body.
Julie’s guiding questions to ask yourself are: “Is my chest tight? Are my shoulders tense? Are my hands relaxed? Am I hungry? What do I need to feel rested?”
Remember that rest is the foundation of strength to do all that you have to do. It is not a luxury you are deserving of once everything is done. You both need and deserve rest.
Along those lines, Julie called attention to a familiar analogy for taking care of ourselves before others:
#2: Put your “oxygen mask on first” by doing something small for you
Airplane oxygen mask instructions offer us important lessons in caring for self before others–just as it’s impossible to help others if we can’t breath, it’s impossible to show up for partners and family members without showing up for ourselves.
Dr. Galena Rhoades, a Clinical Psychologist & Research Professor at University of Denver, echoed this sentiment in saying that, prior to the COVID-19 crisis, we had good plans, clear roles and expectations. Then, all of that shifted for all of us. We’re now experiencing decreased alone time, quality time, and intimacy, and the constant ambient stress of the pandemic has made prioritizing self-care and relationship maintenance challenging at best.
“If you don’t feel like you, and you’re running on zero,” Julie said, “resentfulness and bitterness might surface to tell you you’re burning out.” To prevent burnout, both Julie and Dr. Rhoades recommend starting small.
Tip: Begin and end each day by doing something small for yourself.
Especially if you find self-care practices to be hard to squeeze into the day, try doing ten minutes of yoga or meditation in the morning before everyone else wakes up, twenty minutes of quiet reading time before bed, or a lunchtime walk around the block. Boundaries pertaining to phone use or media consumption can also be helpful to promote healthy sleep routines–i.e. no news or Instagram after 7pm.
You may be thinking, “Yes, I know how essential it is to recharge my batteries and do small things for myself, but it can be so difficult to put words into practice,” and it’s safe to say we’ve all felt the guilt that comes from not doing so. To comfort us, the panel offers us another important recommendation:
#3: Give yourself and your partner grace, and standardize relationship check-ins
The times we are living in are unprecedented, and we are experiencing new and unexpected shifts in all facets of life. You are allowed to reevaluate and redefine what success means and looks like for yourself and in your interpersonal relationships. For instance, we may require different amounts of sleep, different lengths or types of movement, and different styles of quality time with loved ones than we did before. Similarly, we may need to shift our self-care practices–perhaps you need to set new, healthy boundaries with work or designate an hour of family quiet time or alone time. Though they may look different now than they did pre-COVID, activities that bring you back to you and offer you some type of mental, physical, or spiritual nourishment are paramount.
Dr. Rhoades reiterated how essential it is to redefine what “quality time” means and looks like. “We’re spending so much more time together,” she says, “but not really connecting.”
Whereas pre-COVID, quality time likely meant date nights to restaurants and theaters or weekend vacations, it can now mean a 20-minute walk, watching a show together after the kids go to sleep or sitting down and having a glass of wine. Set aside fun, intentional time for connection, conversation, and new activities however possible.
Both Julie and Dr. Rhoades recommend that we:
Tip: Standardize relationship check-ins on a weekly or monthly basis.
Julie’s key to relationship check-ins? Create a warm, inviting, distraction-free space where honesty and vulnerability between partners are encouraged and amplified. Ask “what do you need from me? How do you feel I’ve done as a partner this week? How can I make you feel more loved? Is there anything incomplete that we need to talk about?”
Julie also points out that, especially while you navigate big changes, shifted routines and standards, and a “new normal,” you have permission to give yourself and your partner grace.
Much of what we normally do to recharge is no longer an option. We can’t just go to the gym, we can’t meet with our friends, restaurants, and outings, and vacations are all out the window. There is no right and wrong for dealing with unprecedented circumstances. As long as it’s healthy, whatever coping behavior works for you is exactly what you should give yourself permission to do.
Patrick Morency, an expert Non-Violent Communication facilitator, ManKind Project community leader, and trauma-informed somatic bodyworker pointed out that “Everyone is doing the best that they can with the resources they have in the moment, otherwise we’d be doing something else. So when we don’t show up in the way that we hoped we would, it’s okay to remember to be compassionate with ourselves.”
That said, increased change often leads to increased conflict. In these moments,
#4: Take a pause when things get heated so that you can respond, not react
With several new and greater pressures in life, we may find ourselves quick to become angry–angry that our partner didn’t do the dishes, angry that our toddler knocked over the freshly folded laundry, angry that we’re overpromising and under-delivering at work. Patrick recommends we use that anger to recognize our unmet needs like cleanliness, control, connection, order, belonging which are often at the center of conflict.
Yet, as Julie points out, meeting needs must come from a place of energetic abundance instead of energetic scarcity in order to be sustainable. Feelings of guilt, shame, and obligation to meet the needs of loved ones means we do so unsustainably.
One way to practice sustainable compassion with self and others is to:
Tip: Listen to understand rather than reply.
“In our fast-paced society we move right to strategy,” Patrick said, “[We think,] ‘I’m feeling a certain way, this is my strategy to feel a different way.’” But if we can pause in moments of conflict to consider which needs (met or unmet) underlie them, we will be better able to connect with our partners and strategize effectively–better able to “move towards connection rather than reactivity and potential disconnect.” If we don’t pause when our partner expresses frustration that we’ve not done the dishes, we are apt to hear blame. But if we do pause, we can consider that their frustration may stem from an unmet need for cleanliness to alleviate stress.
Dr. Rhoades adds that it’s okay to take time outs during conflict so that it doesn’t get out of hand. She recommends, if you’re getting into the “red zone,” to say “I need to take some time to calm down. Can we come back to this after dinner?”
The way Patrick thinks about this pause is that “Hearing blame is listening from my head, and hearing needs is listening from my heart.” He reminds us to:
#5: Find opportunities to connect amidst conflict
If your partner is doing something you don’t like and you jump immediately into conversation to correct the behavior, it might be too much. But if you come in, connect first, and then offer your ideas for correction, it is an opportunity to get deeper.
Before conflict arises though, we must be self-empathetic as...
#6: Practice Self-Empathy
When we are able to have empathy for both self and others, we can then
#7: Deepen understandings of–and connections with–one another through conflict
Dr. Rhoades points out that changes in roles, expectations, and routines leads to a lot of big decision making and a lot of conflict. However, with a willingness to be curious about your and your partner’s needs, emotions, and tensions, Patrick reminds us that conflict is one of the best ways to get to know one another, feel connected, and grow together, and Dr. Rhoades mentions how essential it is for us to:
#8: Remember that we all need support right now
Self-care and relationship maintenance practices are wonderful, important tools–always, and especially right now–but for individuals and couples who are deeply struggling, the value of therapy or therapeutic resources cannot be understated. Dr. Rhoades recommends that, in addition to looking into therapy, couples check out:
Wherever you are in your self-care journey, we hope these eight recommendations and accompanying tips serve to encourage you to be present while you’re there and help you take small steps to go where you want to go.
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